Forget Hiding Pregnancy, These Guys Are Trying to Hide a Full Bouncing Baby

There was a time, some years ago, when Sevo flew his baby girl to a German hospital aboard the presidential jet just to go and drop a tot. What followed was a lot of noise about taxpayers’ money and such things that I couldn't quite understand because I was still eating free food in my father's house. Fast-forward, and Sevo did not send yet another of his girls to some swanky church to get this, that and the other. This time, things happened in real time, right here in our banana republic.

After nine months of carrying, Patience Museveni Rwabwogo gave birth to a bouncing baby boy named Bishop. People are saying many things, although surprisingly not many bad things, and cartoonists are already sketching hats and other important matters of state. Then, amidst it all, there is that chap from Kassambya, out there countering anyone who says anything nice about Baby Bishop because, to him and his ilk, it is apparently a terrible thing that must either be bashed or whitewashed.

And whitewash, they have done. Bloggers and vloggers associated with a certain face of the coin have loudly pretended that nothing good happened on Sunday, instead of joining the people of Kakira in calling upon Sevo to do the decent thing and gift Bishop Patience Museveni Rwabwogo with a new SUV to ease her pastoral duties. You see, from Kakira, we are not merely chewing sugarcane and enjoying the cool breezes wafting through the many trees planted by Madhvani.

We understand forces of nature. We also understand bishops. And we know that some male bishops of today have folded their cassocks — and whatever those elaborate costumes are called — and decided not to say much about wanton abductions and human rights violations going on around this banana republic. The other day, this particular one even said he wanted to live long, mbu if he spoke out he could end up like Janaani.

A perfectly understandable position if you ask me. Why risk a perfectly good life when you can quietly enjoy the suspension and shock absorbers of an SUV and let somebody else discover whether martyrdom is still fashionable in this TikTok Error? But with Taata Bishop lately talking about democratic ideals and chastising unnamed individuals here and there, the arrival of Mama Bishop is already giving us some very interesting airs about things.

Just wait until she is past her Nakaweere stage. I predict with the certainty of Bad Black accepting her career that Patience will, surely, amplify her hubby's voice against ungodly things in the banana republic. Who doesn't want that? The Kassambya guy? Ignore the fella. The Bishop's birth is something we should be celebrating. Balaam should even suspend that 3pm bar-opening directive for at least 40 days and allow the celebration to run its natural course.

We have had enough national emergencies. Surely, one bouncing baby deserves a little national joy. And why should the towering man at Media Centre not inundate us with glowing reviews of his staffers' accomplishments in covering the consecration event? Or did they also pretend that nothing was happening and not show up? Or were they PNG-ed by the ushers? If even Satan is now scared of Uganda, this should be the moment for maximum public relations.

We should be hearing the towering man threaten to ban media houses from picking content from his team if they continue to whitewash or crop out the logos that duly credit UMC. Now, I know many of you like Diana. Yeah, she is really the free bird — literally too. But for me, Patience is the thing. She really looks like the sort of person who could share her eshaabwe with a housefly if the poor thing accidentally fell into it.

Word around Plot 1 says she is so friendly she just smiles back at whoever, whenever and wherever. And maybe that explains why the Kassambya fella is not happy. He is used to cosmetic things. And no, I don't mean this in terms of how he used to hug someone at Parliament - never mind that it can pass all the same. The point is, the Bishop is here. And no amount of whitewashing, strategic silence or pretending that Sunday was just another ordinary Sunday will make him disappear.

So let us embrace the Bishop. And let us pray that he grows well, grows wise and, most importantly, grows into the sort of Bishop who can see what is happening in the banana republic and speak about it without first checking whether the microphone is connected to the other Big Hat, not just her mitre.